Financial Terms

GOOD MORNING. In order to keep you up-to-date with our wild new financial situation, I think these terms will be helpful....

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CEO Chief Embezzlement Officer

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CFO Corporate Fraud Officer

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BULL MARKET a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

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BEAR MARKET 6 - 18 month period when kids get no allowance, wife gets no jewellery & husband gets no sex.

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VALUE INVESTING the art of buying low and selling lower.

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P/E RATIO the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

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BROKER what my financial planner has made me.

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STANDARD & POOR your life in a nutshell.

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STOCK ANALYST idiot who just downgraded your stock.

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STOCK SPLIT when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

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MARKET CORRECTION the day after you buy stocks.

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CASH FLOW the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

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YAHOO what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

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WINDOWS what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

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PROFIT an archaic word no longer in use.

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If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

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If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

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If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

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But---if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund---you will have received $214.00.

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Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.