Best Divorce Letter, Ever!!!

Dear wife:

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I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

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Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

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Your EX-Husband

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P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

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Dear Ex-Husband

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Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

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It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

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After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

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I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

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So take care.

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Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

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P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.I hope that's not a problem.

Retards

Cookie Dough Recall vs. Cookie Dough Love

NESTLÉ USA's Baking Division is initiating a voluntary recall of all NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE refrigerated cookie dough products. NESTLÉ is taking this action out of an abundance of caution, after reports of illness that may be related to the consumption of raw cookie dough. NESTLÉ has been, and will continue to cooperate fully with the Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control in this investigation. Providing safe, high quality products to our consumers is our number one priority.

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Consumers who have purchased cookie dough products should not consume them. Instead, we are asking that consumers return these products to their local grocer for a full refund. We invite consumers with questions to contact NESTLÉ Consumer Services at 1-800-559-5025 and visit our web site at www.verybestbaking.com.

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No other NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE products are impacted, including already baked TOLL HOUSE cookies purchased outside the home, all varieties of NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE Morsels, chocolate Baking Bars, or Cocoa, and Dreyer's and Edy's ice cream products with NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE.

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Really, if you think about it...there would be no better way to die. I love Cookie Dough! Shortly after hearing this story on the radio, I heard of this website that features all kinds of Cookie Dough. I had to check it out for my self as it sounded too good to be true. Wow...see for yourself .

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www.cookiedoughcreations.com

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I'll just say it again....Wow!

Notice Has Been Given...

In their ongoing efforts to cut costs and keep their head above water, the newspaper in which I deliver every morning will no longer be handling their own distribution and have contracted this service out to another company which distributes around 4 other periodicals. Therefore I have received written notice that my contract will be up July 12th.

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This means that the well that springs forth my extra financial cush could very well dry up and I will need to find something else. However, this other company will need carriers and I have submitted my name for "consideration". If they decide to render my services, I will be relieved as I will not need to search for another income. If they don’t, I just might run naked through the streets "a hootin and a hollerin" as there is nothing I would like more than to stop getting up at 3 a.m. every morning. We will see what happens…

Public Service Announcement

True Blood Season 2 began last night. This PSA almost brought a tear to my eye :)

Finding Joy In The Journey

An exert from a talk given by President Thomas S. Monson. It's a good one. It doesn't matter what faith you practice. Its a messege we all need to hear. Especially those like myself whose lives are constantly spiralling on a day to day basis.

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This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.

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I am what my wife, Frances, calls a “show-a-holic.” I thoroughly enjoy many musicals, and one of my favorites was written by the American composer Meredith Willson and is entitled The Music Man. Professor Harold Hill, one of the principal characters in the show, voices a caution that I share with you. Says he, “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.”

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My brothers and sisters, there is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today.

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Read the entire talk here.

Why You Should Leave The Men Home When You Go To Walmart...

Mrs. Sousley insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Sousley was like most men - - he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, Mrs. Sousley was like most women - - she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Sousley received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Sousley,

Over the past six months, your husband, Shawn Sousley has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Sousley are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. March 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. April 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Sporting goods. Get on it right away'.

5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. June 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR ' sign to a carpeted area.

7. July 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department .

8. July 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. August 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme .

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart

Dancing Kid Got The Moves

If you can stomach watching kids dance...this one is good. Kid knows how to slap it!

How To Get Out Of Debt...

If I had only known sooner... :)