"White Christmas"

My wife gave my a camera for Xmas...I love it! I think I will take it with me wherever I go. This was the first picture that was taken, from my back porch. Capturing a "White Christmas".

SNL Jizz....

SNL has done it again. They have made another digital short that has made me bust out in hysterics like a 16 year old juvenile. It is one of those tunes that you will not be able to shake out of your head. And its one of those tunes that you will say to yourself, "I can not believe I laughed at that..." Well, I am now 40...and I laughed...and I laughed again. Sometimes we need a good "release", of laughter that is.

Warning: Do not watch this if you are easily offended. But then again, if you are easily offended, you just might not get it. So there is nothing to worry about.

As I know my wife will roll her eyes in disgust with me finding humor in this, I will categorize this as my first post under, "I Probably Shouldn't Laugh..."

A Few Bad Mornings...

I haven't posted anything for a few days as I am extremely exhausted. Why? We have had a couple of storms pass through the area the last couple of days. We seen a few inches of snow. Snow, I can handle. But when temperatures are in the single digits, the roads tend to ice up. Let me clarify, it has been in the single digits at 3:00 am when I am out flinging newspapers. By the time I go to work, its in the upper teens, low 20's. This recent storm that has come and gone has made life something like a chili cook-off for 200 people, with one bathroom stall and no toilet paper. Not fun. The icy roads had made throwing newspapers take twice as long, therefore I do not get my power nap in between the paper and going to my real job. And the commute to the best job in the world was doubled as well. All work and no sleep...makes johnny a bit irritable. A friend sent this to me today saying, "Your day could be worse." Although it was humorous, there is no comparison to my sleep deprived winter in hell...

This Is Why When You Go To Walmart You Should Leave The Men Home . . . . . .

Mrs. Sousley insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Sousley was like most men - - he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, Mrs. Sousley was like most women - - she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Sousley received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Sousley,

Over the past six months, your husband, Shawn Sousley has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Sousley are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. March 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. April 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Sporting goods. Get on it right away'.

5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. June 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR ' sign to a carpeted area.

7. July 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department .

8. July 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. August 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme .

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart

A Podunk Christmas

I live in a little Podunk Town. One of the things I really enjoy doing this time of year is driving around the pond with it all lit up in Christmas fashion. It is one of the few attractions around here that is free. Well, it is free to drive around. If you get that little feeling of some Holiday romance in a horse drawn carriage, it will quickly subside; as the cost of doing that is $45. Ouch! I have not been able to bring myself to hand someone a wad of cash to pull me a half a mile around this winter wonderland. It is a beautiful sight to though.

Go ELF Yourself!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

ARSE-ICONS

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

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:) means a smile

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and :( is a frown.

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Sometimes these are represented by

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:-)

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:-(

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Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

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Here goes:

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(_!_) a regular arse

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(__!__) a fat arse

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(!) a tight arse

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(_*_) a sore arse

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{_!_} a swishy arse

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(_o_) an arse that's been around

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(_x_) kiss my arse

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(_X_) leave my arse alone

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(_zzz_) a tired arse

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(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

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(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

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(_?_) Dumb arse

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You have just been e-mooned!

Today...I Am A Winner!

Today, we had our company "Christmas Party". It was much different from years past. Usually there was a dinner and an "Open Bar". Usually our spouses were invited as well, but not this year. This year we had "Lunch" and spouses were not invited. It was held, well during the lunch hour as not to interrupt our lives outside of work with Family Holiday functions, etc... Lunch was great! Choice of Prime Rib or Turkey served buffet style over at the Hilton amongst a gathering of roughly two hundred employees. I opted for the Prime Rib, of course. One of the slices I received had a piece of FAT on it the size equivalent to a deck of cards. Strange, but I have always viewed fat as somewhat of a delicacy. It is something that doesn't come across my plate that often and it has never been anything that I have been able to pass up. Mmmmm.

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After the feast was over, I found myself entertained by the vast numbers of individuals enjoying the "Open Bar". At the same time, I was watching the clock waiting for the announcement that we would be excused to resume our duties back at the office. But the announcement that came was one of a random drawing of names to win prizes. "Oh great, something to drag this out a little longer." I was having a good time, but not being an "Open Bar" guy anymore, I took the announcement as an excuse to go back and visit the desert table yet another time. This was going through my head as I never win anything...ever. I do not expect or ever hope to win, cause it just never happens.

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Some names were called out, some were given gift certificates for meals and some over-night stays at the Hilton. Then it was called out that it was time to announce the grand prize winner. "Its about time...we can finally get out of here." They called out my name...for some reason, I did not not recognize it. I actually pushed my chair back in preparation to leave the lunch time gala. My buddies looked at me and in raised voices were like, "Alright Johnny!!!". Then it hit home - w00t!!! I went up front and collected my brand spankin' new 8 GB iPod nano. For a brief moment I was ecstatic...I have always wanted some sort of iPod!!! As of today, I have a new appreciation for company functions...even if I never win anything again.

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On the way back to my chair, looking down at my recent win...the only thought that came into my head was my son, and how this iPod would be received by him Christmas morning. I can wait for my iPod. Still, today I was a winner...

Learning To Drive

My son turned 15 years old a week and a half ago. Let’s just say it was an exciting day for both Father and Son. Ever since he turned 14, he started asking if he could drive. I had always responded, “When you turn 15, I’ll start teaching you how to drive.” I know my wife had overheard me promise this to my son time and time again. She never really said anything about it, so I assumed she was good with it. I suppose I should have brought the topic up with her to discuss how we should move forward in giving my son his first experience behind the wheel. But having felt I would have been confronted with much resistance, I declined to make it a topic of conversation. This was not a smart decision.

Well, the highly anticipated day arrived. Both my son and I were giddy with excitement but were able to contain ourselves. It was a Saturday; there were chores to do around the house. What could I do speed this day up and get my son rolling? I was pushing garbage from one side of the garage to the other. The never-ending disorganization of our garage gave me the solution I was looking for. I had bundles and bundles of old newspapers that just had to be taken to a recycle bin. Saving our planet was the number #1 priority. So, I got my son and told my wife we were going to her mothers to put the papers in the recycle bin. After my son and I had accomplished our mission of making this world a cleaner place to live. I looked at him and said, “Son, drive me home.” He was ecstatic!

We were in Jeep Cherokee with an automatic transmission. I knew my son could handle it as its not much different than driving a golf cart…two peddles. The hardest part in the entire journey was just navigating out of my in-laws driveway. The rest of the way home, we did not exceed 15 M.P.H., if any cars approached us from behind, I would instruct my son to pull over to let them pass. All in all, it was a smooth ride home. I was beaming with delight. My son made one step forward into manhood. I was proud of him. My son’s grandmother only lives a couple of miles away from our home. I did not think anything would go wrong, and nothing did, until we actually got home.

The two of us walked in the door, and my son said to my wife, “I got to drive home!” Dark clouds suddenly formed over our home and the rolling thunder came at a loud whisper. It would only be moments before the lightning would strike…

“You did what?!” My wife was anything but pleased. An unpleasant conversation followed. She let me know she was not happy about letting our son drive her car. She did not think it was appropriate to let him drive on the open roads without a learners permit. She said it was illegal and I was not above the law. And that made my blood boil over. I tried to let her know I was being cautious of every little move our son made, etc…but that got me absolutely nowhere.

I fully understand where she was coming from. It is a mother’s responsibility to protect her children from the world. On the other hand, I am the father, and it is my job to teach my children to deal with the world. In the end, this was one more thing that did not end in a mutual resolution.

My father taught me how to drive when I turned 15, I remember it was snowing, I recall the roads being iced over. We went to the church parking lot and he taught me how to do “donuts”. He called it "offensive winter driving". I remember that lesson came to a quick finish when I came only inches away from sliding into a light post. I too was to learn quickly where my father was coming from...

The following weekend, I took my son out again. We took my car over to the high school parking lot to where he would have his first lesson in driving a stick. Since we were in my car, in a somewhat controlled environment, my wife seemed OK with it. Or at least I was led to believe this as she did not speak a word concerning this. Having been my son’s first time driving a stick, he did really well, and I was impressed with his performance behind the wheel. After 20 minutes, and the constant jerking and stalling of the vehicle, lesson was over. Oh, it’s great to be a Dad!

Betrayal

A Little Compliment Goes A Long Way

Yesterday as the family is running frantically to get out of the house, get to work - go to school, etc...My wife was on the other side of the kitchen touching up my daughters hair. Totally catching me off guard, my 8 year old daughter catches my eye and she says, "Daddy, you really look nice today..." That little compliment from my little ray of sunshine was exactly what I needed yesterday. Last night after she was tucked into bed, I went into her room and thanked her for that. I told her that she made Daddy have a great day and that it made me feel good.

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So, this morning she paid me another compliment. I smiled at her and gave her that appreciative wink. A few minutes later, I overheard her in the next room telling her mother that she made Daddy have a good day because she told Daddy he looked nice. To have my daughter tell me I look nice...hmm, that is definitely a feel good moment. Makes my decision to not be a "social eater" that much more worth it. My sweet, sweet little girl.

BOLT

I am currently working for Disney Interactive Studios. It is a wonderful job, and I feel very blessed to have it. I have been making video games a little over 10 years…half of those years spent at another studio. That is another story for another time :) . Games and how they are made, have changed a lot over this period of time. Well, they are still changing. I remember back in the early 80’s playing my Atari for hours on end. I remember frequently my mother trying to get me to turn it off. And I remember my mother telling me that video games would rot my brain and that I would n0t amount to anything if I continued to play like I did. She probably did not use those exact words, but the message was loud and clear. Now when I see her, all I can say is “Hey Mom- Look at me now!”

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The last game I worked on was “Bolt” based on the movie “Bolt” from Walt Disney Animation Studios.
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Movie Trailer


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The family and I want to go see the movie last Saturday. My wife really like it, my kids absolutely loved it, and me...I had mixed emotions throughout. I thought the story was great. I thought the action was great. I thought it was really funny. I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone and everyone! There were even many moments when I would find myself tearing up... yea - I do that at times. But all too often, I'd have these flashes of wanting to put a bullet to my head so someone could drag me out of the theater.

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Let me explain...I think this comes from having had already seen a screening (in its rough storyboarded form) of this twice. Having to work many late nights throughout the project. Having many migraines throughout the production of the game, etc...eating, sleeping, living "Bolt".

I'd have to say the best part about making games based on movies has been that we do not make games that mirror the movie. We like to add to the whole experience. We take the license down a different path...so the player can have a different experience from the movie.

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All in all, it was a great yet challenging project to work on. I am proud to add this too the largely growing list of titles I have been associated with. With that being said let me share some reviews and media from the game...

If you click on the picture below (a review of the game) , it should make it bigger so you can actually read it. It caught my eye because of the picture is of one of the levels I worked on.

Clips from Penny in action...(music from the Nutcracker)

Clips of Bolt in action...(music from the Nutcracker)

Official Bolt 30 second TV spot. If you are in the right place at the right time, you might be able to catch it on TV. Or you can just watch it here...

There's my plug... :)

The Daily Ritual…

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The alarm clock goes off at 2 am and every nine minutes thereafter depending on how many times I need to hit the snooze button. Along with that I have the alarm on my cell phone set to ignite at 2:10, 2:20, and 2:30. If either of these fails to reanimate my lifeless body, I can usually count on my daughter waking up in the dark hours of the morning. She will continue to tell Daddy that he is late and he needs to get out of bed. However, I know it is just a ploy to just to remove me so she can sleep in my bed; especially, when she tries to wake me prior to the dinging of the first bell.
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From there, I stagger down the stairs, get dressed, splash water on my face, and head out the door to the Newspaper Distribution Center. Yes it sucks; I have to drive to the next town over to pick up these newspapers that contain more ads than actual news. Back in the day, they would have been dropped off at the end of my driveway. I make my way through the DC amongst all of the other carriers that choose to spend their time there bagging or banding their papers. I have found that if I bag them while I drive, I save an hour plus. I load up the bundles of papers into my car and race off.
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30 minutes to an hour have past between the time I wake up and the time I actually start delivering. It takes me between 2 and 3 hours to deliver, depending on the size of the papers and how fast I decide to drive. Delivering 3 routes translates to delivering about 480 papers Monday through Saturday. When all goes well, I am back in bed by 6:00 am, just enough time to get a couple more hours of sleep before I have to face my hour long commute to my day job in the big city. And- if it does not go well, I don’t sleep.
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Sundays I have to bag the newspapers at the DC (because they are usually huge) and the count goes to about 700. I sleep on the couch Saturdays nights so I can let my hired hand (brother-in-law) into my house when he decides to show up at 1:00 am. He makes himself at home, frequents the refrigerator, and gets his fill of Cartoon Network until 3:00 am. I should be sleeping during this time, but am unable. After which he comes with to bring and extra car and assist in wrapping. I get home Sunday Mornings around 8:00 am. Just in time to sprint out the door to Church.
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And that is the daily ritual…

UP

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

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It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

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At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write a report?

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We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

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At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

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To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

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And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .

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We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

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To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary.

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In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

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If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

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When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ... When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

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One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....

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Time to shut UP .....!

Top 20 Ways To Say "You Fly Is Open"

An open fly refers to the unintentional leaving of one's fly unzipped or unbuttoned. It is often considered humorous if a person is caught with his or her fly down.

Your fly is open!

However, the situation is not always seen as embarrassing. Winston Churchill, while at a public function, was handed a note reading "your fly is unbuttoned." Churchill scrawled on the note returning it as "dead birds do not drop out of nests."

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With that said...lets move onto the Top 20 Ways To Say "Your Fly Is Open"

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20 - The cucumber has left the salad.

19 - I can see the gun of Navarone.

18 - Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17 - You've got Windows in your Laptop.

16 - Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15 - Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14 - Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13 - Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson...

12 - You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11 - Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10 - Elvis Jr. has left the building!

09 - Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

08 - Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

07 - The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

06 - Dr. Kimble has escaped!

05 - You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hilary".

04 - Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

03 - You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

02 - I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

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And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

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01 - I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

Early Conditioning

I wish I could say that when I had started being a paper carrier over 2 years ago, that it was a brand new experience for me. The fact is, about 28 years ago, I found myself sitting at my local McDonald's with some strange man who I was scheduled to meet there. Sounds weird I know, going by today’s standard if some old guy was meeting some young kid at a McDonald's…I think it would only be a matter of seconds before a swarm of police officers would take the guy down. Seems everyone nowadays is a potential pedophile/child predator. Anyway…this was a legit meeting. A meeting to sign papers and go over procedures, other misc documents, blah, blah, blah. This was a meeting that a kid, who did not know any better, who would be recruited to become a paper carrier for “The Rocky Mountain News”, a Colorado newspaper.

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I don’t remember why I was there. What prompted me to want to do that? Maybe I was getting to the age where I wanted lots of “stuff” and my parents were financially stretched to thin. Perhaps my parents just thought I needed to learn a little responsibility. I do not know if it was either. I do remember how my father frowned at me wanting to deliver papers as he knew it was going to have to be a commitment from him as well.

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Back in the days we use to deliver newspapers via bicycle. I remember my yellow Schwinn 10 speed with some metal baskets attached to the rear wheel. I remember be responsible for collecting payment from the customers each month…and how painful that was. No one ever home or I’d get the “check is in the mail”. My income was based on whether or not the customer paid or not. When the weather was undesirable, my father would drive me on my route in the Chevy Citation. I remember once he ran over my foot. Some might call this one of those bonding moments between father and son. I vaguely remember the Blizzard of 82 in the Denver area; snow was as high as the roof. I think that is when my father decided I was done delivering newspapers…or he was.

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If I did not I have this experience when I was young, I do not think I would have even thought about doing it as an adult. I might be out delivering pizzas instead...Yes; I even worked at a Pizza Hut one summer… I was conditioned as a young boy for what I am doing today…