The details seem to get more sketchy as each year passes by but the feelings I had experienced back then are remembered with the utmost accuracy still even today. I suppose it is only fitting that I should jot dot down what happened to the best of my ability.
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I was in school at the time trying to make a transition between careers. I don't remember if I was a student or a teacher at the time, but I do know it was the last day of class. I had received a call that my wife had been rushed to the hospital for an emergency C section. She was 5 months pregnant with our second son. I was pretty much in a daze the entire 50 minutes it took me to travel from where I was to the hospital. I remember feeling excited at the thought of another baby boy coming into my home so soon. It felt like Christmas was coming early this year. I had no idea what was about to transpire. Nothing ever came crashing down in my world...nothing of this magnitude anyway. I don't recall anything from the time I arrived at the Hospital to the time we went into delivery. Everything was a big blur.
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The doctors worked extremely fast with the precision that would put one in "aw", as it did me. They had opened up my wife and retrieved the baby and closed her back up in a matter of seconds, figuratively speaking. It was an awesome and incredible experience to have witnessed. But as quickly as the baby was removed, he was just as quickly whisked away, down the hall, to the Newborn ICU.
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I was with my wife in her room as she was heavily sedated. I knew our son had been taken to the Newborn ICU, I really didn't think anything of it. I just assumed, everything would be fine. I mean, I had heard of babies that had been born earlier make it, I knew my son would make it as well.
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I remember being taken down to the Newborn ICU. I don't remember anyone coming with me. My wife was still out of it from surgery. I remember seeing him and thinking that he was the most precious little guy and that I couldn't wait for him to meet his big brother. He was covered in tape, tubing, wires, etc. And still, I had thought to myself...all is well.
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The doctor said things were not looking well, but they would do what they could for him. He was hemorrhaging in his tiny little brain. The offered up experimental treatments. I kept telling myself he could pull through. I just wasn't prepared to handle any other outcome. The doctors really couldn't give us any more answers. Our newborn son could be just fine, he could be seriously handicapped, vegetable...etc....
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The few things I remember. I remember my brother and sister being there. I remember speaking to my parents on the phone as they were out of the country serving an LDS mission. I distinctly remember another individual whom I was not fond of, coming into the Newborn ICU and trying to comfort me and me thinking I wanted to slap her upside the head. I remember my 2 year old son Tanner looking down onto his little brother. I remember being so full of Hope. I remember blessing my son with my father-in-law.
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Running us about $10k a day, my wife and I had to make what would be the hardest decision of our lives. I guess by that point, there was only one place to turn to for guidance...our Father in Heaven. My father-in-law, gave us both blessings, and I honestly can't recall what was said - but remembered feeling comforted. My wife and I both had the feeling that it would be in the best interest for our child to let him return home. I had to put what I wanted aside...
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After our decision we were taken to a room where our son was brought to us. He was released from Life Support. He had survived approximately 30 minutes on his own and his Mother and Father were holding him as he took his last breath. And at this point, this is where everything in my mind fell apart...as the detail from this point on become very sketchy.
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I remember the long silent ride home from the hospital and how it seemed like it wasn't until then that my wife broke down and it hit her that she had entered the hospital with a baby but left without one.
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I remember my in-laws prepared the funeral services. I clearly remember one brother-in-law who crafted a casket for our son which to my recollection was beyond perfection and how grateful I was. I remember going with my wife to pick out a headstone for the grave site. I remember before the graveside service watching my 2 year old son sitting on the ground next to the casket and wondering if he understood or knew what was transpiring. I remember watching cars upon cars coming in to support my wife and I. And I honestly can't say I recall who attended other than a few immediate family members. I remember the countless amount of strangers who had shared our same faith tell methat I would see and be with my son again one day. I remember wanting to kick the crap out of every individual who tried to issue any words of comfort. I remember watching all of the cars drive away and being glad to see them go. I remember staying at the grave site with my camcorder watching the crypt lowered into the ground followed by the two men push dirt into the hole with a tractor. I remember feeling alone. I remember hating God for what just happened even though the decision was ours to let him go.
I am no longer mad at God. I stopped looking to understand why things happen the way they do. Its hard every year at this time. This year seemed a bit more difficult than others. My oldest who is now 15 years old went with me to the cemetary on his birthday to clean off the headstone. He would've turned 13 years old.
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